A Sincere Apology is Healthy

We all know the uncomfortable feeling. You deliberately stood a date up because you suddenly had second thoughts. You wrongly accused your husband of something he didn’t do. You backstabbed a friend and she found out. You made your mum cry, not that you meant to but she just won’t let go criticising your boyfriend. You screamed obscenity at your brother in public. You slapped your ten year old son without thinking through. You helped yourself to extra pieces of meat from the stew pot in the middle of the night when everybody was asleep.  You stole. You lied.  You made a promise to God to stop seeing that married man but reneged. 

Wow, now you feel guilty and restless. Your guilty is weighing you down.  You toss, you turn in bed and just can’t give yourself that much needed sleep.  There is this sinking feeling in your chest. You eat too much. You drink too much. The headaches just keep on coming.

Angela was abandoned by her husband Ayo, leaving her with two children to provide for. Her husband is not dead, mind you. Ayo is very much alive. Angela had put in all her resources to help Ayo move to the US, hoping he will get a better job and life will be rosier for their family. Things were alright initially.  He was communicating but, without warning, stopped and seems to have simply disappeared into thin air. Angela fell into depression. Her brother became the shoulder to lean on, talking to her on the phone through lonely nights. Then she met the man of her dreams a year later and moved away. She got so swept up in her new life; she put her brother on the back burner. She even forgot to call him on his birthday.

That’s when the sleepless nights began. She was embarrassed to even call. She knew he would be hurt but unsure whether he would be angry? Eventually, she summoned the courage to pick up the phone. Yes, he was hurt, but he said he understood. She started sleeping again and talking to her brother.

A study showed that sweat levels, heart rate, blood pressure, and tensed facial expression reduced in victims of injustices, when they imagined receiving an apology.

Apologise with gusto 

There is no benefit in an insincere apology either for the one doing the apology or the receiver of the apology. And in any case, not all apologies are created equal. You can say it like you mean it. You can say with a smirk.

Some people find it difficult to say sorry. It’s an ego thing. It can be embarrassing to admit you’re wrong and are sorry. It will simply show you did something you shouldn’t have done in the first place and which you’re aware. So now is the time to take responsibility for your actions. On the other hand, apologising sometimes is not that you're wrong and the other person is right. It just means the relationship is worth more than your ego, and  It does make a lot of difference if you sincerely mean your apology. Many people just give it a lip service and get on with life.

It’s therefore important to sit down, take a deep breath, and feel the burden of your actions on your heart before you attempt to apologise or pick up the phone. After you have felt the hurt you caused through your actions, and then accept it was done through ignorance, anger, or misunderstanding, you must first of all forgive yourself. Before you can ask for someone else’s forgiveness, you have to be merciful to yourself. You wouldn't  get the health benefits if you don’t forgive yourself; that would be more sleepless nights!

Acceptance or Not

When you want to say you’re sorry, avoid ‘ifs’, for example don't say something like ‘If you haven’t given me that attitude, I won’t have used those horrible words’; and don’t blame the other person for your actions, for example saying something like, ‘You sort of caused it you know.’ A much better apology would be something like 'I'm sorry, it's my fault, and I want to know how I can make things right'.

When you express your apology, you will instinctively know whether you mean it or not. Because you’re free, you feel much better, and thus be able to enjoy the health benefits of a sincere apology. You alone can change your body to feel good. You’re in charge of your feelings nobody else.

Whereas the person at the receiving end of an apology doesn’t have to accept your apology for you to get health benefits, be assured you have done your bit by apologizing sincerely and therefore free to move on with life.  When you hold on to problems, you’re putting a heavy burden on your shoulders. But when you let go, you're at peace with yourself and can think properly. To say you’re sorry is very effective medication for the person who gives the apology and the person who receives it.

Photo Credit: Creative Commons.