How To Love Again After Losing A Spouse

After the unexpected death of a spouse, many men and women are alone, single and ponder how to play the game of dating someone again, which I admit isn’t going to be easy. 

Let’s take a look at forty-three year old Genevieve, a marketing consultant, who without warning is left alone after eighteen years of living with her husband. Her loss threw her into panic due to the simple reality of having to start all over again. Her husband’s death was so shocking and left her questioning her chances and ability to start a new relationship, not to mention her out-dated dating expertise. To worsen the situation, single men her age are in short supply when compared to the huge number available during her younger years.

Genevieve’s case is a familiar one. There are still a few single adults; though the older we are the less we date.  There’s the possibility that some people decide not to date, there are also others who want to but not sure how to deal with it, or simply unable to get over their negative thinking. For those who are battling with these obstacles, relationship experts offer advice to help them get back successfully and healthfully into the dating field.

Crucial first of all is to establish suitable personal standards, which psychologists refer to as one’s ‘social price’.  For instance are you going to play hard to get or be available?  Your social price is increased by what you put in a relationship and your expectations in return.  In other words, your social price is determined by factors such as your ability to bring likeable qualities like resilience, kindheartedness, intelligence, and love into a relationship.

For some people, they are completely overwhelmed by fear. It can be the fear of not getting a partner to fit a ‘late’ spouse’s shoes, being hurt, rejected or involved. There are people who have done well in other areas of their lives, but when you mention dating they recoil.  The fear of dating afresh pushes them to stay alone or continue to yearn for the intimacy they once had.

 

Others quickly get back on track and go into another relationship, perhaps too soon. The desperation for a new connection is usually a result of sadness, anger or anxiety about being alone. Feeling sorry for yourself and utterly alone may make you do what you later consider desperate by disregarding inner warnings and leaping into a bad relationship you wouldn’t normally if you’re not in vulnerability mode.

Luckily, it is possible to avoid these and other dangers when looking out for a new partner. Relationship experts give six key tips to help you if you’re ready to get back into the dating game.

1. Link up with a new support group

Of course your old friends would always be there to support. Why?  They know you, care about you, and naturally look out for your interests. However, most times it is new friends who are going through similar experience that will help you better in adjusting to your new life. They've been there and can offer advice on how to jump over the hurdle. There are also chances of providing you with fresh perspective that can boost your confidence. Contrarily, your old friends are still married and may lack the proper interest or compassion, while your spouse family can prove a hindrance when someone new is coming into your life.  If you’re lucky to still have single friends, they’re likely to give you confidence that will help you start going out again as a single person.  They may also offer good advice.

Keep in mind to use discretion when listening to others' words of wisdom.  This is because solutions that worked for a friend may be disastrous for you. If you don’t want advice, be confident and let people know when their advice is off-limits.  The truth is whether you ask for it or not, you will get plenty. For the most part, however, friendship is a vital ingredient in the recovery process. Facing things alone can take a toll on you. Friends and family can help you see that trying to tie up the pieces, and starting all over again, can be a piece of cake. 

2. Determine your self-worth

If you’re battling with negative self-image, it’s vital you take steps to create a positive, healthy self-concept. Start by making a list of your positive qualities, and then hang it in your home where you’ll see it regularly. Sharing your list with your support group and asking for honest feedback will help you work on cleaning up any inconsistencies between your self-image and the real you. Experts on relationship also recommend making a list of new beliefs and affirmations that you’ll want to include into your thoughts. Read aloud these new positive self-concepts often, regardless of how you're feeling, to help strengthen them in your mind.

Genevieve finally got into a brief relationship five years after her loss, which brought home some truths about her mind-set. While the years spent with her husband were full of happy memories, she still felt ashamed about all of the times she had said yes when she really meant to say no. She blamed herself for her weakness to just roll along with her husband, with painful consequences at the time.  But now she’s becoming more assertive, while moving forward is easier.

Psychologists found out that feelings of resignation and sadness make people with low self-esteem less motivated to improve their mood. Those people who feel ‘left alone’, after the death of a loved one, should try and develop a bold and defiant attitude. When you feel defiant you become excited, confident and ready to take action.  It doesn't mean being rude. You take care of yourself, making it unequivocally that you’re not going to be ruined by the death of your spouse. It’s a very healthy thing to do.

3. Plan and be involved in activities

You’ll not find a new mate, or even a new friend, while staying at home sitting on the couch, watching television with curtains drawn, most days of the week. See the time at your disposal now as an opportunity to continue the things you did with your spouse, while adding a few new ventures. List twenty activities you would enjoy doing with a perfect partner, and then give the list a second look. Rarely do people have more than three or four things on their list that they can’t do if they are not in a relationship. So be active; don’t feel like your whole life is on hold just because you lost your partner. Get out of your closet.

There are stories of single people finding love in unusual ways. After her seventeen year relationship ended, Joan, a forty-seven year old journalist returned to the dating arena by joining an evening class for creative writing. She met men surely, but rather than meet men for dinner, she invited them for leisurely early evening walks. She didn’t see it as dates, but as interviews, and admits that taking the first step was difficult. If she likes them, she then permits a date for a bite to eat.

Tolu, a fifty year old midwife nurse, also missed companionship when she lost her husband after twenty three years of marriage. Normally, in our African cultural setting, at that age, the belief is that you should devote the rest of your life to your children; hence emotional intimacy should be pushed to the back burner.  An archaic culture which forgets that love and intimacy has no age boundaries.  The truth? Don’t wait far too long. Know what you truly want and go after it. You may be lucky to meet your second husband...your second chance. Don't throw it away.

4. Avoid unhealthy cravings

When we’re in emotional pain, our feelings often don’t coincide with our mind and instead come out as cravings that can prove unhealthy and self-destructive. Cravings usually afflict people with zero tolerance for a single lifestyle,  who casually  jump into a new relationship as soon as the mourning phase is over. Also vulnerable are people with low self-evaluation, who are convinced they can’t make it alone.  

Take Maria, a thirty-six year old actress whose need for immediate passion led her to make decisions despite her mind telling her they were unwise. A year after her husband’s death, she began dating men who weren’t potentially viable for a long-term relationship.  One man had problems with his ex-wife; another wouldn’t marry outside his ethnic tribe; and another was six years younger than her. After getting hurt many times, she finally decided to be more careful when choosing men. Although still prone to her old behaviour, she’s now in a better position to say no to men who are a poor match for her.

To avoid unhealthy cravings, relationship experts suggest doing something that actively breaks the pattern and makes you approach the situation in a healthier way. Call someone in your support group, share your unhealthy cravings, and ask that he or she invite you out when you fall into bad habits. Also think about writing down the activities that successfully distract you from your urges, things like meditation, reading, praying or walking, that you can turn to the next time ‘passion-craving’ crops up.

5. Be prepared for difficulties

There are certain times of the year such as vacation time, anniversaries, and birthdays, which are harder to manage because they are full of expectations and memories. After losing a spouse, social engagements alter, intensifying feelings of loss and loneliness. People who like to do things properly tend to struggle most during the holidays, according to experts. Their high expectations lead them to dwell on favourite memories of their past comparing them with present times.

Tony, a film producer in his mid-forties said his first Christmas alone was a tough one. The weeks prior to Christmas were extremely difficult because the traditions were highly disrupted. Being alone with the children without having closeness with his wife was difficult, and he felt very much afraid of not finding someone again.

To be able to live through the lonely Christmas, Tony stayed close to his family, and tried to stitch together his relations with them. It was piecemeal and patchy, but it was critical that he did it.  He also looked for other ways to divert his attention.  He organised a staff party, took part in visiting motherless children homes to hand out gifts, and participated in singing Christmas Carols in his church. Tony got it right, because it’s essential to plan to reduce stress and to meet new people. He was able to get out of his rut by not being afraid to ask for help, organising new activities, and breaking tasks into smaller chores to fend off feelings of being overwhelmed.

Another way to reduce trauma is to avoid holiday comparisons and focus instead on the enjoyable aspects of current and future ones. You’ll be surprised how quickly you get through and then wouldn’t be afraid of being alone during another festive holiday. It may not be the best of your life, but may not be the horror you thought it would be.

6. Choose your own best strategy

Ultimately, the best tip for re-entering the dating game is to explore various action strategies and choose those that are most comfortable for you. For some, getting into the right frame of mind before taking the leap is essential. For others simply trying something new, or even choosing the most uncomfortable, works. You know yourself best, so trust your inner wisdom. If you’re ready to find new love, take heart.  But don’t feel obliged to rush into another marriage. Now that you are single it’s perfectly acceptable to remain so if that’s what you chose and prefer. After all, what you do with your life is now entirely up to you.

Being a widow for almost twenty years, I know the tears and pain of coping alone. I’ve also known the short term delight of thinking you’ve found someone to love one more time…and bingo the initial delightful expectation evaporates.  My point is that while loving again after the death of a loved one can be overwhelming and frustrating at times for some, it works perfectly easy for others. May the force of love be with you.

Photo Credit: Creative Commons.