How To Pick Up The Pieces After A Divorce
It has come to an end. Finished. You’ve both
agreed on divorce, and the once upon a time loving relationship, you thought
would last a lifetime, has suddenly collapsed like a pack of cards. It’s
officially over.
People have different stories to tell about
their divorce experience. Everyone's divorce stories are not the same. Perhaps
you were married for a couple of decades, perhaps only a year or even
lesser. Perhaps you have children of
your own, or perhaps you don’t. Perhaps
the divorce was a mutual agreement, or perhaps it was your idea, or your spouse’s,
that going separate ways was for the best. Perhaps your heart is broken, or you
breathe a sigh of relief, or both - or even indifferent.
Whichever way you got to this disheartening
stage, the important thing is to figure out who you are, what you want now you’re
single, what is the new life going to look like, and the next several steps towards
getting there. Experts provided eight of these initial first steps:
1. Don’t rush. Get
used to your spouse’s absence. When people say “I do”, it’s done with the best
intentions. You want to stay with the love of your life forever…till death. No
one in his or her right mind marries with the thought of a possible divorce
someday. No matter the mutual agreement on separation, it still damn well
hurts. It is emotional; you grieve over what should have been. Perhaps you feel
regret for what you did or didn’t do, or ruminate over what you did that was
way off the mark. Try to bypass these sorrowful feelings, though you can accommodate
some for a while. The damage is done. There
is a vacuum where someone you cared for once occupied, even if that someone
perhaps wasn’t needed.
2. Evaluate and rearrange
your emotions.
One thing you don’t do is bring the heavy
baggage from your previous relationship into your new life. Look for how to
handle remaining emotions from the break- off of your marriage. This could entail
talking to a therapist about your emotions or concentrate your energy on a
healthy activity you love. It’s normal to overlook these emotions hoping they’ll
subside on their own, but it’s important to work through them or they’ll contaminate
your ability to move your life forward.
3. Give yourself a
dose of TLC.
Injecting yourself with a dose of tender
loving care may sound a bit tactless. But the truth is that many people’s
self-esteem takes a nose dive due to self-rejection sensation after a divorce.
The thinking is there must be something wrong for being unable to make the
relationship work. The solution is to work on improving confidence and strengthening
the belief in your self-worth.
4. Go on a voyage of
self-discovery.
This is a must do particularly if you were
married for decades and given up a lot of the things you enjoyed when single because
they didn’t fit in with couple-hood situation. Perhaps you had enjoyed night
outs, but your spouse loved to stay at home. Perhaps you loved the cinema but
your husband disliked the idea and would rather watch home movies with buckets
of popcorn. Examine the leisure activities and hobbies before marriage. Which activities
did you abandon as conciliation in support of your marriage? Taking up these
interests again is crucial to your renewal.
5. Look for a new modified
you.
Though the period of divorce can be
challenging and difficult, there is always a silver lining to help shuffle
things up and sample a new way of life. Perhaps it’s as simple as leaving your
hair natural after many years of wearing braids. Perhaps it’s about learning to sing, or play
a musical instrument, changing your place of worship, changing your sport,
decide to lose weight, or getting more education. Perhaps you have now realised
it’s time to change jobs and move overseas. True it’s not about being
irrational in your decisions, but chances are that you have to jiggle some real
considerations, for instance kids, finance, or a job which may have been
affected by the divorce.
However, there is the likelihood that, though
you may not be able to throw caution to the wind, there are still some doable
changes. So don’t be too hasty to refuse the idea of one change, just because
you can’t make all changes. If the changes you choose are healthy and positive,
these are very suitable. Ponder on some of the things you can do another way to
be that person you were before the marriage, or it’s possible you may want to
be a new person. Search for those changes you can affirm rather than sit on
what’s unmanageable.
6. It’s not odd to
be single
Being single doesn’t mean you’re excluded
from seeing anyone. It just means not being in a serious relationship, or in a
hurry to do so. No one gives you a second glance if you decide to go and dine
solo, unlike several years ago. Society is now more tolerant of singles. The
social dimension after a divorce is excellent, offering opportunities for
social connection. There are possibilities to make new friends and join
different types of groups that connect with your interests.
7. Never say never
again
The fact that one marriage didn’t work, is
not the signal to pull the curtain down on new possibilities. There’s a school
of thought that says looking for a new horizon should be done outside your
comfort zone – dating someone who’s not your type, leaving out the notion it
has to lead to a permanent relationship. For instance if your date type is
someone from a particular socio-economic background, or preferred musicians or entertainers,
or the boisterous noisy type; turn your normal preference 360 degrees
stretching your dating scope a bit further.
8. Be engaged with
the new you.
This again is important particularly with a long
term marriage where your partner perhaps took care of certain aspects of life while
you handled others. But now you have to do it all, and not likely to go
smoothly, but that's OK. For instance your partner was the one responsible for
the finance, and suddenly you have a new range of learning and obligation which
can actually raise your self confidence in your own ability. However know you don’t
have to resolve it all alone, reach out for help. And in situations where you
make mistakes, you can learn from that experience. A mistake gives you the
experience in life and confirms your knack for the single life.
Photo Credit: Creative Commons
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