You Think You Married The Wrong Man? Perhaps Not Really!

Each time I watch the movie Run Away Bride, I couldn’t help thinking ‘What a stupid movie?’ You mean the bride didn’t know what she wanted and almost got to the point of walking down the aisle with this man, before realising he’s the wrong guy.  What did she do? She took a bolting speed out of the church and onto the street. Seriously? Looking back, perhaps not as stupid as I thought initially, because many women and men tie the knot for the wrong reasons: ‘I need a woman to give me babies’. ‘Society expects me to have been married by now’. ‘My biological clock is ticking’ and so on. 

Consider John who, just two hours before the wedding ceremony, refused to get into the limousine that would take him to church. John had dated a beautiful banker for three years, and she was actually inspiring. They were best of friends and John thought she would make a great wife and mother, though he was not in love. John married her anyway. That was the expectation.  Four years and two children later, with their sex life nonexistent, John is beginning to look elsewhere. Or there is Francesca who said ‘I do’ even though her heart wasn't there.

The obvious question therefore is, If you discern you're marrying the wrong man, why do it? It’s easy to blame those syrupy romantic dramas which unfold a beautiful princess being swept away by a handsome prince.  Girls read fairy tales where a woman gets saved by the prince, and when these girls become women they start looking for their own princes wherever they may be. Similar messages are sent through romantic comedies where love always prevail, despite impossible scenarios.  So women end up learning that love can always work, even if it’s a difficult process.

Then again is the usual culprit of a ticking biological clock, when the age thirty looks like an expiration date for single women. Not only are your baby-making years racing by, but you’re also leaving behind your exciting twenties - a decade of testing the waters, one-night stands, and making mistakes jobwise and privately. By the thirties, you are seen as matured, adult, and of course should take life more seriously.

Society’s pressure on women to rush to the altar also makes things worse, and although women keep tight lips on this, there is often a big exhale as soon as they get their ring. Getting engaged can be a triumph, and if it turns out to be the wrong man, the excitement from the attention of the engagement can reduce the doubt at that particular time.

And finally is the upswing of wedding fever. The wedding industry is probably a billion dollar a year business.  Proposals are getting more elaborate and showy, which fuel anxiety to follow up with a fantastic wedding ceremony. Weddings now pay more attention on tiny details of the party than the relationship. But being so busy planning a stupendous over-the-top wedding ceremony can cloud a couple's incompatibility. 

Sandra had to succumb to the ticking biological clock, decided to get married and raise a family. However, midway through her engagement, she started battling with trust issues. Her fiancé was oddly secretive about his job, while her friends and family had been giving her the warning signal to rethink her plan to marry him. Sandra had a gut feeling that something wasn’t right, but wasn't inclined to listen to her inner feelings. She was more preoccupied with her dream wedding plans.  On the wedding day, Sandra felt strangely empty and gloomy inside. While the vows were being said, she realised her vows weren't true. She didn’t mean them. She went through with it anyway, but a year later separated from her husband.

Dora, thirty three years old, had a nine years stormy relationship with her present husband before he proposed. Despite feeling neglected by him, since he rarely had time for the two of them, she removed her doubts and said yes. However one hour before the ceremony, the then twenty four year old began searching for reasons to retreat. She cried but walked down the aisle nonetheless.  Five years later she began the process to dissolve the marriage, lamenting not heeding those instincts that warned her it wasn’t right at that time.

The Knotty Issues and Some Simple Truths

Women seem to forget that marriage isn’t all about a big wedding. It’s also about progressing from being single to being married. That is the big deal to manage. So in real life, sometimes it’s the least romantic side of marriage that teach you more about you and your partner, and the definition of love. 

Experts provided some of the issues and truths that will open your eyes to the amazing priceless companionship locked up in your so called imperfect, yet real-life love.

1. Face the reality of marriage

It will soon dawn on you that no matter how superb he is, he doesn't make you happy every moment of every day. In fact, some days you might wonder if the marriage will last forever.

You reflect on the day you and your man were clinging champagne glasses, feeding each other wedding cake, and dancing cheek to cheek. Back then you had no idea that ‘for better and for worse’ doesn’t become relevant only with tragedies. Your relationship is tried on a daily basis, when the sheer boredom of daily inseparableness make you want to dash for the door.  Waking up from a good dream to face the harsh morning daylight may not seem like a reason to celebrate. However once you let go the romantic phase, you’ll discover that the reality of marriage is more rewarding than you could ever imagine. Tough, no doubt. Infuriating, no doubt, nonetheless has its own strong gentle delights, better than any romantic fiction.

2. Work at it

Working at your marriage doesn’t mean being tolerant when his snoring keeps you awake at night. In your innocence, you manage to live with some frustrating habits like his persistent burps or gassing. But don’t forget he also has to live with some of your habits too. The main work is having to learn about each other every day as you both evolve differently, and cherish each other in the process. Marriage is not a one-off.  It is a lifestyle and a forever thing. So learn to forgive yourself and him on those days when you’re both getting frustrated.

3. Take a break from your anger

Sleep on it. You need to calm down. You need to concentrate. You need to just give it a rest. This is about argument. You need to take a break from any argument so you can find out if you’re angry, hurt or both, and locate the source. Perhaps the argument that started over the forever dirty lounge is really about being taken for granted. Perhaps you both had a stressful day in the office and had to take it off someone. Taking a break will help you see that, and let go. Trying to make up superficially to keep the peace will build up, stress you up inside, and finally blow up.  So the solution is to be in control of yourself, allow the feelings to subside a little, and then explain your points. 

4. It’s OK not to want sex

There are times you just don’t feel like having sex, very often for reasons outside your marriage. That is OK. The truth is also that there are many nights he doesn’t want sex either. Periods without sex are a normal part of marital life, and isn’t a sign you have both lost your libido or that you’ll never have sex again. There are nights you need sleep more than sex. Don’t pretend, just come out straight and say ‘I need to sleep for the next two days, sweetheart, please try and understand’.  He may say OK and nods, however he may still decide to try his luck by kissing your neck and mumbling hoarsely. You ‘hmmm’… and say something like ‘darling, I love you but I really need this sleep, you know how I am if I don’t get this sleep, thanks love’. ‘OK, honey’, he grudgingly accepts, but that does it for that night. The crucial point is to still be touching, kissing and embracing at every opportunity. The little closeness keeps you connected even when you’re not having sex.

5. Face your fears and insecurities

Many frustrations in your relationship should provide an opportunity to evaluate, which can be difficult to do because it’s much easier to keep a dossier of your husband’s weaknesses and tell yourself that his weaknesses are the major constraints standing between you and a happy marriage. You need to evaluate yourself.  It may be an uncomfortable voyage of self-assessment, but it can also be a more satisfying compensation of a dedicated, long term relationship. You’ll also learn to admire your weaknesses and be lenient with yourself, just as you’re learning to do same with him.

That is the peculiar loveliness of marriage: It’s filled with tough times and tough lessons which no one can ever prepare you for. However, in the end, those are the things that enrich your life together, making your love more profound and stronger than when it started.

Photo Credit: Creative Commons.