What Is Love?

I was scrolling through the social media a couple of days ago, and Adesua Etomi’s message ‘Dear men’, grabbed my attention. I read it and quite liked it. It is basically a warning to men to  choose one ‘Queen’ to marry, rather than eyes roving here and there. In other words, there’s a proverbial Yoruba adage that says, your attempt to chase two rats at the same time is an attempt in futility, as you are likely to lose both rats. Adesua’s message was straight from the heart. But hang on a minute, what is good for the goose is equally good for the gander. There should be a reverse of ‘Dear men’ for ‘Dear women’. Get my drift?  While, I actually find the movie ‘Wedding Party’, thrilling and romantic, then again just like other words of wisdom I came across this morning, real marriage starts after the wedding. Good the woman has got her man and brought him to the altar, she has to work hard to keep him in love and crazy about her. The four letter words L.O.V.E is as intoxicating as a glass of Beaujolais wine (maybe two glasses), and as soothing as alabaster oil, but can also stop the beating of a heart if broken. So what is this love?

Psychological description of love

When people ask, "What is love?” there is usually some basic conditions. For instance, is love an unconditional acceptance of the other. Or love is conditional so much so there’s intolerance of the other’s peculiarities and limitations, hoping that a perfect person will unleash the ability to love. Contrarily some couples try to be up-to-date and truthful with each other. They can negotiate on giving and taking, be comfortable with own and their mate's limitations, even joke about them,  and treasure the complexity of their lives together. They don’t question ‘what is love’ because they already know. They both live it everyday.

Several psychologists differentiate between ‘passionate love’, a deep desire for coming together and powerful physiological arousal, and ‘compassionate love’, a deep affection and obligation to an intimate partner. A sexologist demarcated the line between love and lust:  Love happens above the belt, lust below. Love is romantic. Lust is randy.  Nonetheless there is a general agreement on the deepness of the experience of love and lust, which frequently become distinct units roughly six months into a relationship. Definitions differ across age, gender, culture, and class, amongst other variables, while culture and society deliver a general substantial connection.

One strong definition is that love is the emotional bond between those who find meaning and value in the same aspects of life. While one can love parents and siblings without common perceptions, ideal familial love is based on shared values too. Romantic love can come from infatuation and sexual attraction alone. However the deepest love between partners is influenced by shared emotional meaning over features of life they both think the most important. The irony of this loving relationship, generally recognised as friendship, is that the two people frequently discover their shared value while searching for value itself; they discover themselves in a fusion of minds involved in the same mission. That is a good summary to the definition of love.

Realistically description of love

When it comes to realistically description of love, people have different experiences. People have tried to write down these experiences of love in poetic narratives, romantic novels, movies, or simply musing their thoughts aloud.   But my favourite description of love is expressed in the movie ‘Captain Corelli’s Mandolin’, when the father of the beautiful young lady in the heart of Captain Corelli told his daughter the secret to the seemingly endless compassionate love he still shares with his wife, even in their old age.  This narrative put all what I want to say into perspective. That’s it for me. Find it below. 

Captain Corelli's Mandolin

Love is a temporary madness

It erupts like an earthquake

And then subsides

And when it subsides

You have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether

Your roots have become so entwined together

That it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement

It is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion

That is just being "in love"

Which any of us can convince ourselves we are

Love itself is what is left over

when being in love has burned away

And this is both an art and a fortunate accident

Your mother and I had it

We had roots that grew towards each other underground

And when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches

We found that we were one tree and not two.

Photo Credit: Creative Commons.