Second Chance

When death takes away your spouse it is always traumatic. It is like being tossed into a dark, cold sea when you can’t swim. In any case, what do you care about swimming? You just want to sink to the bottom and drown. After all, what is the point of living? As you continue to sink to the bottom, from nowhere, you feel someone pull you up. At that moment, you no longer want to drown. You desperately want to live. You kick your legs and come up for air. After what seems like a lifetime, your head is above water, just in time for you to take a quick gulp of air into your overstretched lungs. You choke a few times, spit out salt water, wipe your red eyes, and swim ashore. Finally you put your feet on warm gritty sand. And like the Johnny Walker Black Label advert, you keep on walking, never to look back again.

           That was my experience when my husband died.

           I have come to realise that life is never completely problem-free. But at the end of the day, remaining on top is the ultimate goal. We all get more than one chance to be happy in life, to realise our dreams, to be self-fulfilled, to do what we’ve always wanted to do. We are the lucky ones. Some never get a second chance.

Life comes in various packages. In many cases it will be a bouquet of sadness, joy, triumph, failure, determination, weakness, and perseverance. For you to survive the bitter side of life’s bouquet, it is important to be on the driver’s seat at the very least. For all widows out there, my experience emphasises the importance of trust and faith, self-confidence, self-fulfilment, love, and putting the past where it belongs—in the past.

In my beloved Africa, many widows get the least support. Apart from the initial sympathy showered on you by family and friends, for your loss, how you cope with the situation thereafter is entirely your cup of cocoa. Most widows become helpless and frustrated, particularly in instances where they are robbed of what belongs to them and their children. A widow might even find herself suddenly the property of the deceased husband’s sibling. The situation may turn into a nightmare if she had been totally dependent on her husband for settling all the family bills.

In a culture where several women own little or no property of their own, are subdued to play second fiddle to the men, it is still possible to be financially independent. This is going to help you in one crucial way. While you may not have control over losing your property or becoming the new wife to your brother-in law, you can at least unlock the handcuffs of financial dependency from your wrists.

Even if your husband is super-rich and insists you should stay at home to take care of the children, start a business at home. When the money starts to roll in, support your husband when and where you can while saving or investing the rest. If the unexpected happens, you will be in a good position to be independent of anything that may come your way from your husband’s will—if there is one.

If you are reading this now and have nothing to call your own, start to make something your own. Start a business, take another diploma or degree, and get a job if agreeable with your spouse. It is important to begin to make your money work for you.

However, if you are lucky to have a college diploma or university degree and a good job before your marriage, continue working, particularly if you are not under pressure to become a full time housewife. Great, you are financially buoyant, thanks to your rich husband, but getting a paid job takes you outside your home and broadens your horizon. It also means you are making the most of the degree you worked hard to earn—no point wasting it. It is essential to practice your profession if you have one. Do not become prematurely redundant.

Remember also you had your personality before you got married. Why change your personality over night to fit into a ‘rich and famous’ lifestyle, if that is not really you? Your personality and attitude to issues are already moulded and trying to replace them with a false image will only trigger stress. For instance, it is not necessary to change your casual, but comfortable, mode of dressing to a flamboyant loud style that does not reflect you because that is society’s expectation. It is better to continue to do things that will give you joy and happiness primarily. Avoid falling into the trap of living your life for others.  After all, if your personality works for you positively, why put on an act for the purpose of being accepted into a certain clique? If your personality works for you, stay with it. It would not be surprising if your friends soon come to know you and respect you for who you are.

When the unexpected happens, keep your head and self-pride high.  The initial reaction is shock of immense proportion, followed by a terrible depression, and all you want to do is go to sleep and never wake up. But wake up you must, exhale you must. Try to keep a clear head.

I remember the night I heard the news of my husband’s death. The first question—I asked no one in particular—was: what do I do now? I repeated this question several times to myself in tiny whispers. I was stunned, it was unbelievable, it was unfair, and I was very, very angry. I blamed the whole world for his death. My trust went to the dogs. I suspected anyone and everyone that came close to an inch of me. I felt people were mocking me, and asking in their minds how I would cope. Similar to my own question, as a matter of fact. The difference was that their question was born out of cynicism, envy and a serves-her-right attitude. A good number of people saw me as a gold digger, a woman full of greed and desperation to marry a rich husband. Did she love the man? Oh no! How could she? She was only after his money and the comfort he provided—so serves her right.

It may sound like the usual lament of a helpless widow, but the truth of the matter is that marrying my husband had nothing whatsoever to do with all those things mentioned—greed, laziness, looking for a comfort zone, or being a gold digger. Mine was some sort of a chance meeting, call it serendipity if you like, with my husband that started with friendship and blossomed into respect, appreciation of each other and, much later, love.

Although the sudden demise of my husband –left me mentally devastated, it did not immediately throw me into a string of debts. Two things I learnt. Firstly, I eased back into my normal scheme of things and did not stop being myself.  Secondly, I continued to take on the responsibility of paying the bills, since I had always been realistic in my budget even when my husband was alive. My prudent spending started during my student days in the university. Then I had to make my allowance stretch for as long as possible. That discipline came to play a prominent part in my daily survival. At the back of my mind was the constant reminder of the need to be financially independent and sensible. If the unexpected happened and I was left to pay school fees, or foreign vacation expenses, for instance, could I afford these things from my own pocket? That question guided my spending. It was a way that worked for me because, at the end of the day, I simply reduced my expenses—without self-pity or emotions—to fit my revenue, leaving me a little extra, sometimes, to spend on little indulgencies.

It should not be too difficult to allow your earnings determine your choice of wardrobe, car, holidays, and other comforts of life, even at a time when your husband is available and willing to pay for these luxuries. Now don’t get me wrong. I am not saying you should not accept gifts from your husband or allow him to spoil you. The question is why the expensive gifts, when you could easily ask him to put that money in a trust fund for you and the children? Be truthful to yourself, do you really need that extra BMW or Mercedes lying idle in the garage, or that extra piece of diamond necklace, which will remain locked up in the safe?

Once your spouse is no longer there to provide for you, it is crucial to pull yourself together. Check your finances against the things you need to spend money on. Cut out the unnecessary. Prioritise the essentials. Get a business started if you don’t have one or get a job.

For my emotional stability, since I had to retain some sanity anyhow, I went back to trusting a few people. I identified those who genuinely loved and cared for me, and held on to them for support and dear life. I totally avoided balloon poppers, negative and depressive people.

Since life has to go on, will you seize a second chance to fall in love? Will you marry again?  Having loved someone intensely, losing him can be shattering, and normally the feeling is that you can never love again. But, if you decide to marry again, then you must make efforts to be presentable and have at your fingertips those unique, intrinsic attributes that set you apart from everybody else. These special virtues are what will make you outstanding amongst other women. However, if it is a companion you need, and you dread wedding bells, that may work for a while. What happens when the children grow up and leave home? If you insist you have come to the end of the road in terms of having another man in your life,  you may need to find something that fills that vacuum, because let us face it, there is a vacuum—the right hand side of the heart—a special place where your children, brothers, sisters and friends cannot fill.  My last advice is, do not say never again, best to keep an open mind on matters of the heart. Remember your happiness matters most, so make the right decision.

Story Credit: Waving in the Wind by Bisi Abiola, by Outskirtspress.

Photo Credit: Creative Commons