Ways To Make Stepfamilies Work

Circumstances in life such as loss of spouse, polygamy, and divorce may make remarriage unavoidable, bringing in the issues of step daughters/sons/fathers etc. With polygamy way of life in some African societies, ‘merged or blended family’ is not odd in the African tradition but a norm. So if you unexpectedly find yourself moving from one marriage to a new one, how do you cope with stepfamilies?

Working towards a remarriage

A marriage that brings with it children from a previous marriage presents many challenges. Such families should review three major problems as they plan for remarriage:

1.             Financial and living arrangements

There should be an agreement on where to live and how to split the money. Very frequently partners going on a second marriage  inform that packing into a new home, instead of one of the partner’s  previous residences, is more beneficial because the new location converts into ‘their home’. In area of finances, partners who used a joint account method usually inform more satisfaction than those who kept separate accounts.  Perhaps this could be due to the fact that it’s easier to continue to finance some lingering inevitable joint bills like school education, at least for some time. Then again this may not be the norm for everyone.

2.            Sort out emotions and worries about former marriage

Remarriage may unearth old, unsettled rage and bitterness from former marriage, both for adults and children. For instance, on learning that her parent is getting remarried, a young girl is forced to give up hope on her parents ever reconciling. Or a woman may worsen a turbulent relationship with her ex-husband, on learning of his intentions to remarry because she is hurting and feels rage towards him.

3.            Expect changes and decisions in parenting

It’s important for partners to review the roles of the stepparent in raising their new spouse's children, including changes in household rules needed to be made, since the children will possibly answer to the stepparent in a different way after remarriage. This is due to the reason that the stepparent has now taken on an assumed formal parental role.

Making time for each other 

Couples with children are normally occupied with taking care of the kids, while newlywed couples without children spend the early months of marriage to strengthen their relationship. This point is being made irrespective of cultural norms on whether to have children immediately after marriage or wait awhile. For instance, young children may feel neglected or assume there’s rivalry as their parent spends more time and energy on the new partner. In the case of adolescents, they are more sensitive to feelings of affection and sexuality hence may be uncomfortable with exposed romance in their family. Relationship experts advise couples to make time out for each other by going on frequent dates or taking short trips without the children.

Parenting in stepfamilies 

Parenting in stepfamilies is the most challenging side of stepfamily life. Starting a stepfamily with young children is probably stress-free than starting one with adolescent children because they are at different developmental stages. In the end, adolescents normally tend to move away from the family as they develop their own identities. To back this assertion is a study which suggests that younger adolescents, aged 10-14, are likely to have a tougher time adjusting to a stepfamily life. Older adolescents, aged 15 and older, don’t need excessive parent thus likely to invest less in stepfamily life, while younger children, aged under 10, are more tolerant of a new adult in the family, especially when the adult has a positive impact.

It’s crucial for stepparent to first create a relationship that’s similar to a friend or a counsellor, instead of a hard taskmaster. In addition, couples should decide that primary responsibility for control and discipline should reside with the custodial parents until the stepparent and children develop a strong bond. Pending when stepparents accept more duties, they can just observe the children's conduct and doings then keep their spouses updated. A list of household rules may also help families, which may include for example ‘we will respect each other’ or ‘we will keep the house clean’.

Stepparent-child relationships 

Stepparents are always so eager to step right in and create a close relationship with stepchildren.  But experts advise that there’s a need to reflect on the child's emotional position and gender first. Boys and girls in stepfamilies informed in studies that they choose spoken affection, such as admirations or compliments, in place of physical affection, such as hugs and kisses. Girls in particular informed that they feel uneasy with physical affection from their stepfather. Generally, boys seem to consent to a stepfather faster than girls.

Problems with nonresidential parenting 

In the case of a divorce, children normally fit into their new lives when the parent who has moved out visits frequently and continue bonding with them. However, as soon as parents remarry, they often reduce or keep low levels of contact with their children. Fathers seem to be the worst culprits, dropping their visits to their children by 50% within the first year of remarriage.  The problem is the less a parent visits, the more a child is likely to feel dumped. A solution is for parents to reconnect by creating special activities that include only the children and parent. It’s also important for parents not to talk ill about their ex-spouses in the presence of the children because it weakens the child's self-confidence and may probably place the child in a position of defending a parent.

Lastly, under excellent conditions, experts propose it may take two to four years for a new stepfamily to modify their life together. So give it time. Be patient, calm, considerate, and understanding.

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