What Causes Low Sexual Desire in Married Men

Desire means to yearn for, crave, request. It’s also an appetite, a passion, and lust. Both men and women have it and it’s normal to want to feel good. The perception is that men should be ‘always on high’ when it comes to sexual desire. However, this isn’t always the case.  There have been reported episodes of low sexual desire amongst men. Never mind the exhibit of being ‘macho’ and ‘horny’. The truth is that when it comes right down to it, men may not be so ‘hot’ in their desire for sex for some amazing reasons, outside low testosterone.

Have you noticed that men would brag about their prowess but not easily disposed to speak about low sexual desire? Men may call you and whisper in your ear, jokingly, trying to make light of the matter, but deep down you know they’re anxious about not having made love to their wives in months. You gasp, and ask why. Common answers are “Well, I’m just too tired”, or “I have too much in my brain”. Then you retort “But women are the ones to say that”. “Do I look like a woman?” he would reply jokingly. Not being able to have a high sex drive violates his sense of masculinity. But low desire in men is real, though a well-kept secret affecting at least 25 to 30% of adult males. For women, the figure is thought to be much higher, somewhere between 45 and 50%. A woman avoiding sex due to the headache, menstrual pain, or the tiredness thing, is also very real.

But the thinking is that it’s an abomination for a man to even think he might not be interested, because his sense of self is normally rooted in his virility.  The obvious truth is that men are gradually having low sexual desire, which is increasingly prevalent among married couples. And very often their low sex drive has little to do with hormones or biology and a lot to do with the women in their lives. Men are often angry with their wives.

1. Incompatible desire

The first telltale sign that something unusual was going on in the bedroom became obvious when husbands took the blame for lack of sexual interest. One husband hinged his lack of interest on his wife’s constant criticisms of, and complaints about, everything he does, which naturally puts him off her sexually. In this scenario, both have high profile jobs, which meant working extremely hard in the office. Nonetheless the woman’s duties stretch into the home which consequently gets on her husband’s nerves due to pressure of career, wife, and motherhood.  Rather than be thankful for her husband’s contribution to the family, she shouts and nags all day. This attitude can shut off sexual desire as quickly as a terrorist attack.

The final result is similar irrespective of whether lack of sexual desire starts with the husband or wife. There’s an absence of physical contact, which is felt by the other partner as the final rejection. When one partner is yearning for more physical closeness and touch, and the other spouse is too engrossed, too stressed or too angry, it is a big problem. The sex-starved marriage is really all about feeling wanted. So in the presence of different levels of desire, all intimacy drops out in addition to the sexual. Couples don’t have reasonable discussions and become susceptible to infidelity and separation. Therefore for couples in an unequal sexual desire, particularly the low-desire spouse, experts’ advice is to JUST DO IT!!!.  This may sound challenging, but the quickest way to alter feelings is to take action and make things happen. And in response to action, miraculously the other spouse becomes happy, feels much more wanted, more committed to the relationship, and he or she starts to do things without being asked. Both people then get what they want.  The reason for this being that, for most people, desire doesn’t just happen by itself. Thus, rather than complain about how uninterested you are, make an effort to draw close to your spouse. You can start with: a close hug, hold her hand, a loving touch, sit her on your lap, and proceed from there.

2. Low Testosterone

It’s likely you’ve heard or read about testosterone therapy as a treatment for low sexual desire in both men and women. The theory behind the treatment is that low desire may be caused in part by a deficiency of testosterone. However, researches on a link between this important sex hormone and low sexual desire conclude that testosterone levels alone cannot determine the diagnosis of a clinical sexual desire disorder in men or women. This is because sex doesn’t occur in a vacuum but hinged on powerful psychological and relationship factors, including other biological factors. While testosterone and sexual functioning are definitely linked, their connection is multifaceted and premised on several other factors.

3. Gender related reaction

Men and women react in dissimilar ways to several lives’ experiences. This is more obvious in the issue of sexual desire. Starting from adolescence and going into old age, most men experience sexual desire in the form of sexual thoughts, fantasies, and mental images many times a day. The frequency of these sexual thoughts lessens gradually over a man's lifetime, paralleling a similar decline in testosterone, the hormone most critical to his sexual response. Nevertheless, sexual imagery occurs even into very old age and can be enhanced with visual and other aids that help a man become aroused, usually within seconds. Finally, men often desire sex as a goal in and of itself, just because it feels good.

In women the pattern and appearance of sexual desire is different. Although female sexual desire also emerges first during adolescence, there is much more variety and little certainty in women's reactions compared to men's. Some women don’t even feel any sexual desire and wonder what all the hassle is about. Even for women who feel sexual desire, it doesn’t look as strong or persistent as in men. Particularly in relationships of many years, women hardly get impulsive periods of sexual desire. When they do, it’s normally a reaction to stimulation from their partner. In these periods, desire follows sexual arousal, rather than the other way around. Moreso, levels of serum testosterone in women decreases steadily during the life cycle, with a 50% drop between ages 25 and 50. Menopause also affects women desire for sex, principally due to a substantial reduction in estrogen hormones including the normal and painful symptoms that come with those changes. Lastly, women additionally desire sex as the final goal not only because it feels good, but also as part of the desire for closeness and intimacy; which are some of the ingredients for love bonding.

So even though a man’s sexual desire is unlike a woman, it’s crucial to be aware of the fact that how the sexual contact is initiated plays a big role in how a woman responds to a man’s advances and vice versa.  Some women prefer touches and flirting to just saying ‘are you in the mood’? Then again a kiss and a look would have got the love making started in the beginning, though after a while with your spouse you may really need to learn to read your partner’s body language specifically.

4. Infidelity

Infidelity is never good in a relationship; whether it comes from the man or woman, it can shut off sexual desire.  Finding out about your spouse extra marital affair can distabilise the marriage if left to fester.  Betrayal can start from simple romantic phone texts, or email messages to stolen dates, stolen kisses, and the climax ‘sex’. For most men it does ‘not mean anything’, but means a lot to women. Spouses who discover their partners’ infidelity will go to any length to break off that extra marital relationship – from deadly hostility to personal policing, looking for evidences in every nook and corner of their partners’ belongings, to physical fight with the ‘victim’. Believe me, it can be heart wrecking. This is when you know that there is no fury as devastating as that of a man or woman scorned.

But for now, I will just leave you with this: Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away!!

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