The Great Mum, Career Woman Paradox

The whole concept of the "great mum" generates so much pressure. Similarly, so does the controversy over the benefits of stay-at-home mums versus career women, which divides them into unnecessary camps. The debate is a distraction from the real situations many women find themselves. For instance, most women today do not even have the choice to stay at home. The crucial point is that we try our best to balance our situations and find the framework that performs best for our individual circumstances. We should each make our own choices and do what we feel is right for ourselves and our children.

Women throughout history have been combining childrearing and housework with other external commitments outside the domestic sphere. They coped by making personal choices on the best way to balance their roles as mothers with the necessities of day-to-day life.

The most important thing is to grasp the survival strategy of juggling so many roles of trying to be great mum without making yourself ill.

My experience tells me that domestic and public contributions do not have to be at variance. My son will tell me, ‘Mum you are always at your computer 24/7. Please give yourself a break.’ Then he may add later, ‘Mum, but I am proud of you and what you are doing.’ I realised that my duty to the society in terms of campaigning for a healthier lifestyle is also a wonderful parenting role, in terms of being a good role model. My son saw the importance of my work and was inspired by it, never mind that most times I am too busy to take him to his favourite Chinese restaurant, or KFC, or the movies. But I make up by making him interested in physical activity. ‘Come to the aerobics with me,’ I will tell him, or ‘Come to the gym with me, you can swim, while I work out.’

Other times, I balance my role as a mother with my life as a publisher, and a forefront advocate for the rights of everyone to a healthy mind and body, by relying on my family and friends. The point is women, past and present, take very different approaches to juggling motherhood and careers. We should respect this rather than condemning those who choose to stay at home or others who choose to opt for a career.

Now let us take a look at the men and re-examine our societal perceptions of fatherhood. We need to wipe out any dishonour stapled on fathers who are actively involved in childrearing as mothers. Admit there may be a biological factor that pushes mothers to be the primary caretaker in the early stages of parenting, after all they bear the children and nurse then, but later on in life, fathers can be just as involved in the parenting process. I know our culture may see this as a dishonourable activity, there should not be anything to raise eyebrows if a man decides to take the lead in childcare.

Now shifting back to the debate over whether or not it is possible to be both a mother and a career woman. For me, my decision to be a mother actually helped me to follow my heart. I decided to pursue my dream of being an author and a publisher.

My independence is greatly influenced by my mother who always said to me, ‘It is good to be self-sufficient to get you through life. Financially, never rely on a man. Always have your own means of support. That self-sufficiency will give you strength, courage and freedom.’  I still kept my mother’s advice in my head.

By the time I had my son, I was still a full time marketing manager, a highly demanding role. I was breastfeeding, so I had to press breast milk into a feeding bottle—which my son hated—or rush back home to feed him. It was exhausting, but I coped with the help of a nanny and my mother. My son got into school, then I found myself in the routine of dropping and picking him from school, dashing back to the office, thinking about lunch, dinner etc. I was in the office at eight in the morning, back home at eight in the evening, leave again at seven next morning. It was a continual tiring and difficult daily routine.

For some other mothers, it could be worse. Let us pretend one second you are a journalist for a world service broadcasting corporation, which means being in the newsroom 24 hours, with one week out of three on eleven hours long overnight shifts. Exciting, yes, or maybe, but no one can doubt the gruelling work involved. Hence you could find yourself in a bit of a predicament when the mother instincts begin to nudge you to do what nature intended. This is when you make a choice between children or career. The truth is that you may not have the confidence with children, as you have being a high power journalist and producer,  but you may get the opportunity to rethink your career and be free to chase your calling in whatever area of interest.

So, even though my initial dream was to be a top shot diplomat making a big impact on the world through the United Nations, all of that changed when I came on a short visit to Nigeria, and realised I had had enough of living in foreign cities. Consequently, I fell into marketing straight after university both to survive financially and to be all those things my mother wanted me to be – strong, independent and totally self-reliant. Being lucky to marry a super rich man was just an icing on an already delicious well baked fruit cake. When I lost him to the cold hands of death I continued to rely on my basic instincts. A decade after the birth of my son I thought, ‘Okay, it is time to fulfill a burning dream as a campaigner for healthy living and take a step back from this motherhood-career paradox.  It is time now to try the dream full-time.’  And that is what I did.

I have been a full time author and publisher, tested my abilities on brand development and marketing,  dabbled into construction business, even learnt to play the guitar and sing, and I can tell you these are the hardest things, in particular combining it with motherhood and other social obligations. But they are definitely the most rewarding things I have ever done. I finally followed my heart, followed my instincts and acquired what I really wanted to do in life. It took me ten years to realise that the most satisfying life is a life doing what you really want to do. I took the plunge to pursue my dream of being an advocate for the rights of everyone to a healthy lifestyle. What can be better than that? 

Bisi Abiola, Author and Publisher.